Go ApeEveryone who knows me understands that I have a fear of heights. The first time I that needed 3 pairs of jocks was on my 20th birthday, when my “friends” thought it would be a great present to get me a sky diving jump. Again, the ones close to me always know how to make me smile. ‘Go Ape’ is an adventure that is supposed to be fun and different. A HUGE WEDGIE later, I am still deciding if jumping off a tree top and checking if I damaged my crown jewels was fun.

My lovely in-laws are loving in every way, but when they were choosing our Christmas present I am not sure they had my best interests at heart. Opening the present, I felt that same feeling I had 6 years ago. The warm feeling of blood rushing away from my skull. The cold sweat beading off the top of my forehead. Feeling faint and needing to spew were the signs of love my in-laws showed me.

An obstacle course in the tree tops can’t be too bad, I kept telling myself, so off to Leeds Castle in Kent we go. The weather was cold with a few rain showers here and there, but nothing to stop us climbing the tree tops. After a few hours of waiting, we finally got a taste of what was to come. With only 2 safety cables and a LOOOONNNGG drop, I started to feel like I needed to piss every 5 minutes. After a few practice climbs the instructor said we were ready.
Ready is a word that can be misunderstood. I wasn’t ready to do any high tree tops – I was only ready to spoil one of the 2 pairs of jocks I brought with me.

Lucky for me there were a group of older women ahead of us that were taking their time, so it gave me some time to re-group. After waiting around we figured out why it was taking so long and it ended up that some of those women got up to the top and found themselves stricken with fear. They couldn’t go ahead with the Tarzan jump and had to turn back. Being a young male with lots of testosterone, I wasn’t going be put in the same category as old women. With a new goal in mind, I was ready. I will not and cannot be beaten by “senior citizens”. When it came to my turn, I climbed up the tree as fast as I could and when i got to the top, I did the one thing everyone who is scared of heights knows not to do. Looking down all proud and seeing how far everyone was down there, I realised that the only thing keeping me on this tree was 2 safety cables. First thought OH CRAP, second thought I will never call anyone a WUSS bag for not going ahead again. The next few thoughts… I can’t really say on this due to some readers being a bit young, but you can only imagine the creative words that came to my head.

At the end of each site is a zip line, which is basically a flying fox. You attach yourself on and whizz down the line and have to stop yourself when you reach the end. During our training the instructors tell us to start running before you hit the ground. This avoids falling flat on your butt in mud and bark. Phillipa seemed to always find herself facing the other direction whenever going down the zip line. Instead of using her feet to slow down, she was left to use her backside to slide through the mud.
One part of the course is called the Tarzan swing. This is a what some of the others called the leap of faith. You attach a cable to your harness and jump off the edge. On the other side there is an army net that you bounce off and once you stop bouncing off it, you have to climb to the top to get back up to the tree tops. Sounds easy until your standing on the edge looking down at how far up you are and realising that this is a stupid STUPID idea. After getting some courage and jumping off, the exciting rushing feeling stopped suddenly with a huge wedgie. The cries of pain as each male jumps off echos in my ears. Each guy checking his crown jewels and making sure he didn’t loose one of them while the belt strapped to keep you safe cuts off circulations to a vital organ. Watching each guy climb up the army net and finally feeling safe, they hold their crutch and the sympathy ohhh is heard from guys all around. I remember clearly screaming out to Phillipa: “if I can’t have children later I am blaming your sister and Mum”.

I would like to finish this post by thanking the wonderful in-laws. I know they are reading this and I know some bits of this they think are really funny but I am sure many parts of my body still a bit sore from my leap of faith and aren’t finding it funny at all.

3 Responses to “Conquering the Wedgie”
  1. Angelina says:

    I now know that was worth every cent!!!!!!!!!! Fantastic!!!!!!!!

  2. Angelina says:

    I now know that was worth every cent!!!!!!!!!! Fantastic!!!!!!!! Yep, it’s really, really funny!!!!!

  3. Alan says:

    Ha, Ha!!!